Gamers tell lies. I know, it’s a shock to some of you, but it’s true. Most of the time, they’re just little fibs and they’re usually told to make ourselves look cooler to our gamer friends. I once had to explain this to a non-gamer (aka spouse) and told her to think of game players like you would fishermen. Whatever they just told you is a fib and you can tell how far it stretched by looking at the time frame context.
It’s simple mathematics, actually. Well, simple enough that ancient Egyptians could probably figure it, but unless you paid attention in 8th grade Algebra, you will probably be lost. OK, here goes:
((CY – PoOY) * 3) + OoG = SoL
That translates to Current Year minus the Point of Origin Year times three plus the Obscurity of Game being referenced equals the Size of Lie. Make sense? Right. The distance between now and when the supposed event being described took place (measured in years) should be multiplied by three since the longer it’s been, the more time will warp the story. Then take that and factor in how obscure the game being referenced is and that tells you the approximate size of the lie being told.
It’s the same one you use with fish, actually. Replace the game references to fish sizes and how obscure the lake and/or fish type is and you’ve got the approximate size of the lie being told. It’s how a four inch minnow turns into a three foot hand-eating monster lake fish in about five to eight years’ time.
But really, the fish were actually bigger when I was a kid. Relatively speaking.
Alright, since it’s a proven, scientific fact that gamers tell lies to one another, sociologically, we should be able to deduce the most common lies they tell. Right? I mean, we know that all guys lie about the same basic things when talking to girls. Stuff like “I wasn’t looking at your boobs, I was pondering the color of your blouse and how it matches the universal Golden Mean like when the Hubble photographed NGC 1512 in visible light..” That’s a lie covering up the fact that the guy is just staring at your bazongas. Actually, it’s a pretty good lie. Feel free to use it.
So here are the five most common gamer lies.
This lie is often told by people who are either desperate to play the latest game or want you to think that they’ve “been there, done that,” but aren’t quite willing to jump ahead to #3 with their bull slinging. Probably because they realize that the lie is more believable, especially once you see them play and realize that they suck, if they don’t take it too far.
After all, playing the game before doesn’t imply that you’re good at it, only that you’re familiar with the game and probably its controls.
Sometimes this line is used by people who just want to seem like they aren’t out of the loop. “Ya, that game ROCKS!” In order to save face because, until the moment you mentioned the title, they had never even heard of the game.
Probably what they’ll do is hurry up and Google some stuff about the game (assuming you’re on the phone) or use vague generalities to placate you into believing they’ve played while they’re simultaneously pumping you for information on it so they can regurgitate it later and seem like they know stuff. Sort of like how IRS agents do audits. Looking at all those numbers is hard. Getting you to inadvertently tell them how you cheated isn’t.
This is always said by the guy who just got his buttocks handed to him by someone who used the simplest attacks available to his character. It’s mostly a phenomenon of fighting games, but you’ll also hear it sometimes in first person shooters in variants of “I was behind the..” or “I was moving too fast for you to aim that good!” Either way, it’s just a coverup for the fact that the other player either: a) sucks, b) is too slow, or c) doesn’t actually know how to block.
Actually, it’s probably a combination of A and either of the other two, since that one’s a little redundant. It’s like saying “politicians lie.”
This one is often said by people who are taking lie #5 to a new level. Sometimes, though, it might be said by someone who has played the game and maybe even owns or subscribes to it, but they aren’t anywhere near getting to end game content yet. They’ve probably read enough about the game to at least sound coherent in it, though. So they’ll name the big boss at the end and maybe rattle off a few “hints” to kill him, likely gleaned from a walk-through on the Web or after having read the awesome Killer Guide for the game in question.
This lie is dangerous for the teller, though, because it can easily and quickly unravel if anyone in the presence of the lie happens to have actually finished the game and is willing to talk about it vaguely enough that the liar can’t easily bluff through it.
The best is when two gamers are both telling this lie at the same time, neither sure whether the other is lying about it, as they both escalate their “knowledge” by one-upping each other. This often ends up with lies #2 and #1 being included. Often as the “nuke” to finish off the other liar. The rest of those witnessing are almost assuredly absolutely aware that both are lying and are probably enjoying the free show.
This one is fun. The “secret” might be a special code, a hidden spot in the game, or an Easter Egg thrown in by developers. The secret was learned by the player in one of two ways: 1) they found it on the Interwebs and are just repeating it, or 2) they’re totally making it up.
Often it’s a combination. In either case they’ve never actually seen the secret and/or accessed it, nor are they able to perfectly recall how to get to/use the secret in question. If the secret is a completely made up on the spot line of b.s., then it will be something that is so impossible to obtain that it will not be reproducible anyway. “Ya, you have to finish this entire level in one sitting without taking a single hit..” sort of thing.
“I wrote down the code, but it’s at home..” “I swear it was that.. maybe it’s..” “Is this the second release or the first print run of the game DVD?” (Like you can tell.) “Oh, I forgot. We have to be in HARD MODE.”
This, friends, is the grandest lie ever told by every gamer who ever lived. Assuming the game has a “hard mode,” this is usually told as the ultimate “I don’t even want to bother playing it, it’s too EASY” lie.
Hint: if someone says this line or anything like it, they’re lying. Nobody finishes games in hard mode. Not without cheating, anyway. Ya, you can finish in hard mode if you’re using that Easter Egg cheat that lets you never take damage or if you have one of those cheats that lets you get infinite funds in-game. Maybe. But without cheating? Sorry, the chances of this being true are so remote that even a one-handed epileptic would stand a better chance of playing Through the Fire and Flames on Guitar Hero without missing a note.
Anytime someone says this, call them on it and make them play in front of you so you can see how bitchin’ they really are(n’t).